March 6, 2017 was a banner day for Kris McCabe. It was also a pretty special day for Mary Padovani. That was the day Mary moved in with Kris so that Kris could become her full-time caregiver. And they have been together ever since.
Here’s why their situation is unique: Kris is not only the caregiver, she’s actually Maria’s granddaughter as well. She was 29 years old and working as a bartender and assistant manager at a portrait studio when Mary moved into her apartment in downtown Chicago.
But it was absolutely the right thing to do, says Kris, who is now 35 years old. “It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life,” she says. “It has given me a purpose that is greater than any job or anything else I had done before this.”
The way to care
So you may be wondering how a millennial became a caregiver for her grandmother. That wasn’t the original plan, to be honest.
After Mary suffered a stroke in 2007, it began a series of moves. Over the years she lived with both of Kris’ older sisters and their families, as well as her mother. Each situation worked well for a while…until it didn’t. In 2016, she was living with her middle sister, Kacie, in her Chicago home, when Mary became increasingly confused and her behavior became more erratic. After she wandered outside barefoot in the snow and refused to come in from the cold, the family knew things had to change.
Mary was placed on a memory floor in the hospital to be fed. She underwent tests and observations for several months, and at the end of that time, the family learned that Mary had dementia due to Alzheimer’s disease.
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“It was up to all of us to decide what to do from there.” Mom did have a doctor’s authorization, but we’re a family, so as a family we decided together that 24-hour care was the best thing for Grandma,” says Kris. “So at that point, a nursing home seemed like the best option.
In January 2017, Mary moved into a state facility.
“After the first month, I started seeing her there every day, as it was only about ten minutes from my apartment,” says Kris. “I would stop in randomly to see if she was happy and content. And she wasn’t. She was miserable. She went from being energetic to being depressed and quiet. And the big red flag was that she had also lost a lot of weight. She lost 20 kilos in a short time. So I knew something had to be done.”
Kris had always had a special affinity with her grandmother, her fellow travelers. She had even lived with her grandmother for a while after she graduated from college, and they had become even closer.
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“My grandmother and I are literally two peas in a pod,” she says. “We’ve had the same mindset and mindset all my life. We have had this unspoken connection. My sisters always said I was her favorite because it was so obvious.”
While nursing homes can be incredibly helpful for people who don’t have the resources for a full-time caregiver, it wasn’t working for Grandma Kris. Every time Kris checked in on the nursing home, it broke her heart to see that she was still so unhappy. “She even said, ‘I want to live with Kristni,'” Kris recalls. “She had basically been begging everyone to let her live with me, but it didn’t seem like a good idea because of where I was in my life.
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Leaving Maria in the nursing home didn’t seem like a good idea either. Kris realized she had to do something. And when her roommate moved out — vacating the second bedroom in her apartment — the solution became clear.
To choose
Kris sat down with her sisters and her mom and told them about her idea. She wanted Mary to move in with her. She told them of her concern that Mary seemed to be in a rapid decline. She had room in her apartment and she couldn’t bear to leave Mary in the nursing home any longer. Her family knew everything that had already happened and supported her in her decision.
“They all said, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ Let’s try it,” says Kris. “Everyone else had tried”
And Kris got to tell Maria the good news. “I went to the nursing home the other day and I couldn’t contain my excitement because I just wanted her to find this happiness,” says Kris. “I walked into her room and did my little toe-pain and said, ‘Hey, Grandma!’ I have very good news for you. What is the one thing you want more than anything?’ And she said, “To live with you.” I said, ‘Your dreams are coming true.’ And she said: Can we go now? She was ready to go with me immediately.”
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Kris and her mom notified nursing home administrators that they were going to pull Mary out of the home. Nursing home administrators and doctors expressed their doubts about the plan, but the decision had been made.
Soon after, Kacie picked Mary up from the nursing home and brought her to Kris’s apartment. Kris had done up the second bedroom with new purple sheets for the bed and family photos on the walls to make Mary feel at home. Mary’s beloved 14-year-old Yorkie, Chance, was also there to greet her.
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Since that momentous day, Kris and Mary have been a team. They have had to move several times and as Kris has learned all about being a caregiver for an elderly person with dementia, she has had to make some adjustments. She has put special locks on the doors so Mary can’t get out by herself. She has joined an online support community to connect with others who are navigating a similar role. She has learned about hospital care for the future.
“And I call her ‘Mary’ to her face these days because that’s how she reacts best,” says Kris. “She knows herself as Mary. I still throw in an “I love you, Grandma” in there every now and then for my own.
Kris’ advice for future caregivers
Kris has absolutely no regrets about the decision to become Mary’s caregiver. She is happy to be able to offer her grandmother a home and the care she needs.
She has some advice for others who may be wondering if they should have a conversation with their own family members about a loved one who needs or may need a caregiver in the future. Everyone—if they’re lucky—gets old, and she suggests you don’t wait to start discussing care plans with your loved ones.
“It’s never too early to start the conversation about care,” she says. “These days, you never know what’s going to happen. Find out what your loved one wants.”
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