Photo: Mike Nelson/AFP via Getty Images
Late last month, an excerpt from Matthew Perry’s book, Friends, lovers and the big scary thing, made headlines when it became clear that he despises Keanu Reeves. Like he wishes him dead. That oddly intense candor, along with the claim Perry made in New York Times interview that he didn’t use a ghostwriter for his memoir, teased a stark truth: Perry was going to publish a very, very honest book. And now that it’s out, we can confirm: This book is very, very honest! Friends, lovers and the big scary thing is filled with stories of personal grief, trauma and lots of opinions on various acquaintances (celebrities). So, for your viewing pleasure, we’ve compiled a list of what Perry had to say about celebrities he’s met throughout his life. Spoiler: He only wishes Keanu Reeves dead (twice).
The Ones About Jennifer Aniston on Friends
• “Jennifer and I had met through mutual acquaintances about three years before.” I was immediately taken by her (how could I not be?) and liked her, and I got the feeling she was intrigued too – maybe it was going to being Something. Then I got two jobs in one day – one was Hay wirewith out America’s Funniest Home Videos-made a show, and the other was a sitcom. So I called Jennifer and I said, “You’re the first person I wanted to say this to!”
Bad idea – I could feel ice forming through the phone.
• “Quite early in the making.” Friends I realized I still had a crush on Jennifer Aniston. Our greetings and greetings became awkward. And then I would ask myself, How long can I watch it? Is three seconds too long?“
The one about meeting the other Friends
• “Courteney Cox wore a yellow dress and was stunningly beautiful. I had heard about Lisa Kudrow from a mutual friend, and she was just as gorgeous and funny and incredibly smart as my friend had said. Mattie LeBlanc was a nice, cool customer, and David Schwimmer had cut his hair very short (he had been playing Pontius Pilate for his Chicago troupe) over his hangdog face and was immediately incredibly funny; warm and smart and creative.”
The One About Sean Penn
• “There were guest stars all the time, which meant we always had to think on our feet. Sean Penn was one of my favorites – he appeared in two episodes in season eight and made it. His plot called for me to dress up as a pink bunny (it was Halloween), so at the end of the board I read, “I’ve always dreamed of working with Sean Penn, but I never thought I’d have to wear pink bunny suit to do it.”
The Ones About His Co-stars in The whole nine meters
• Bruce Willis did not disappoint – he was destroyed List. He didn’t just take over a room, either was the room. In fact, I knew he was a real movie star when the first thing he did was teach the bartender how to make a perfect vodka tonic. “Three second sink,” he told the petrified man.
• “Amanda Peet was also in the cast. She was funny and smart and very attractive, and even though she had a boyfriend, she didn’t mind flirting, which she did in no time with both Bruce and me, to the point where one day Bruce yelled at her, ‘Pick one! ‘”
The one to beat Paul Rudd
• “Really, if you’ve seen the season 9 finale Friendsyou’ll know I’m at least good enough to beat Paul Rudd.”
The One About Serving Sara
• “While Serving Sara … the director was angry—I had ruined his film; Elizabeth Hurley, my actress, was furious (she never got to do another film either).”
The One About River Phoenix
• “I met River who personified beauty in every way. There was an aura around the man. But he made you feel too good to even be jealous of him.
The one when he was with Tricia Fisher
• “The acting, and the quick mind and mouth, and the friendship with River, and the denim jacket over a flat shirt, all combined to help me land a beautiful girlfriend named Tricia Fisher. (Daughter of Eddie Fisher and Connie Stevens—that’s right, half-sister of Carrie Fisher. This girl was no stranger to impressing.)”
The one when he asked out Julia Roberts
• “I sent her three dozen red roses and the card read: ‘The only thing more exciting than you having the show is that I finally have an excuse to send you flowers’ … Her response was that if I explained quantum theory well enough . physics with her, she would agree to be on the show. Wow. First, I’m having a conversation with the woman for whom lipstick was inventedand now I must hit the books.”
The one when he met Gwyneth Paltrow just before Friends Debut
• “It was the last summer of my life when I could have fun at a party with a beautiful young woman named Gwyneth and no one cared, except me and Gwyneth.”
The one when he met Cameron Diaz
• “Years ago, right after she broke up with Justin Timberlake, I went on a date with Cameron Diaz … Cameron was almost instantly stoned – it was clear she had no interest in me.”
The Ones About Charlie Sheen
• “I was reading in the paper about Charlie Sheen. It said that Sheen was once again in trouble for something, but I remember thinking, Why does he care – he’s famous.”
• “It was everything I thought I wanted. I was going to fill all the holes with Friends like us. Damn Charlie Sheen.”
The one about growing up around Justin Trudeau
• “I beat Pierre’s son (who became Prime Minister himself) Justin Trudeau.
The One About Michael J. Fox
• “I remember realizing when I was in ninth grade in Ottawa that Michael J. Fox had both the number one movie and the number one TV show at the same time, and even then, at the age of fourteen, steam was coming out of my ears with envy.”
The ones where he hates Keanu Reeves
• “Why do original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?”
• “Then Chris Farley died. His disease had progressed faster than mine. (Plus, I had a healthy fear of the word “heroin,” a fear we didn’t share.) I punched a hole through Jennifer Aniston’s dressing room wall when I found out. Keanu Reeves walks among us.”
The one where he distributes Paul McCartney
• “There’s also a hierarchy in the music world — it’s my contention that bass players tend to be first, because they’re solid and cool and the fingers move in a gentle but powerful way (except Paul McCartney; he was never placed first).”
Those who promise Woody Allen in 2022
• “As the evening wore on, we found Annie Hall on our small TV and laughed at us at Woody Allen’s house under the roller coaster. (I didn’t get the sex and relationship jokes, but even at eight years old I could understand the comedy of sneezing away $2,000 worth of some kind of white powder.)
• “Woody understands this. Woody catches me.”
• “I was filming the most popular show on the planet, and [Julia Roberts] was shooting a Woody Allen movie, Everyone says I love you, in France. (Of course she was).”
• “But there must be more, God. Why did you save? me? I’m ready—give me directions and I’ll follow them. When Woody Allen asks this very question to an alien in the film Stardust Memories, the alien replies, ‘Tell funnier jokes.’ But it can’t be.”
The one who praises Woody Allen and Known abuser Ryan Adams in 2022
• “Still, this gratitude swirls around me, even stronger now that more faces appear: characters from the Woody Allen movies I love, the TV show Lost, Peter Gabriel, Michael Keaton, John Grisham, Steve Martin, Sting, Dave Letterman for having me on for the first time, Barack Obama, the smartest man I’ve ever talked to. In the breeze I hear the piano version of ‘New York, New York,’ by Ryan Adams, recorded at Carnegie Hall on November 17, 2014.”
The one to be famous for something specific
• “For the longest time, I didn’t want to talk too much about Friends … I always admired Kurt Cobain’s refusal to play ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ or the way Led Zeppelin refused to play ‘Stairway to Heaven.'”
The one who praises Chevy Chase
• “Chevy had long been my hero. Actually his performance in the movie Fletch had changed my life forever.”
The one where he imagines what Banksy would think of him
• “I got my Banksy painting at an auction in New York. I bought it over the phone. I’ve never met him, but I want him to know that if it ever caught fire, my Banksy would be the one I’d save. I wonder if he cares. (In fact, he probably would have set it on fire himself.)
The Ones About Batman
• “I bought the place – I swear to God – because Bruce Wayne lived in an apartment like this The Dark Knight.)”
• “Someday you too may be called to do something important, so be ready for it. And when whatever happens, just think, What would Batman do? and do it.”
Those he compares his life to various celebrities
• “I’m no Matthew McConaughey and when I shower I just make sure to keep my eyes closed.”
• “I would slowly wipe the sleep from my eyes and then the reality of my situation would hit me and I would burst into tears at a rate that would make Meryl Streep jealous.”
• “In the operating room they gave propofol, you know, the drug that killed Michael Jackson. I learned then and there that Michael Jackson didn’t want to be tall, he wanted to be out.”
• “That great twentieth-century philosopher Cyndi Lauper was right, as it turns out—girls really just want to have fun.”
• “I realized that The end of longing wasn’t going to be loved enough to cement my future as a future David Mamet. But there is still time!”
• “I’ve made more mistakes in my love life than Elizabeth Taylor.”
• “It’s not like the Amy Winehouse story, where she was sober for a while, and then the first few drinks had killed her. She said something in the documentary that rings true for me too. She had just won a Grammy and she said to her friend, ‘I can’t enjoy this unless I’m drunk.'”
• “Robert Downey Jr., talking about his own addiction, once said, ‘It’s like I have a gun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger and I like the taste of metal.’ I got it; I understand.”
The One About the Famous Club
• “Martin Sheen, like Pacino, Sean Penn, Ellen DeGeneres, Kevin Bacon, Chevy Chase, Robert De Niro — these are all members of the “Famous Club” I’ve met, a casual little thing you wear when you’re in an airport or at a party and someone famous also comes and says hi as we know each other.”
